depression’s colony

i’ve been told it’s rude

to not be welcoming to guests

i was told i should pride myself

in being a host

so when you came along

i let you in

i didn’t hesitate when you

burrowed further in my home

nesting thoughts and ideas

far into the rooms

of my mind

when you slept over the first night

i was excited

almost anxious that i’ve hosted you

for this long

but soon enough

we were like lovers

staying in bed well into the afternoon

and never leaving each other’s sides;

you were like my shadow

following me around the house –

until you drove me out of it entirely

so fast we turned from coexistence

to zionist occupation

you first started by changing the carpets

and dimming the windows

but soon enough

you started changing doors

and then you changed the locks

and left me out

knocking deafeningly loud

that even the neighbors could see me standing

stranded;

homeless

05.08.2019 23:26

wildfire

in all these five minutes

I was a different person,

so unbearably passionate about taking away

all the gifts and privileges of my existence so I can

numb the pain of my mind

and soul

they say love can consume you

well so does sadness feast on your soul

like a wildfire gulping down tree trunks

and roaring so that the entire troop

can ravage the entire forest

desecrating the bedding of my mind

while people still wonder

how

and why

am i depressed

somewhere across my skin

every morning i am strong and willful

but by the time the day comes

and i see the blurred features

of your face in the distance

something within my soul withers away

as i let my mind elope to this unforeseen end.

neither love nor lust

something melts within me

and i still cannot find the words to describe

the process by which i am slowly being radicalized

against the idea of you;

something so simple has become altogether confounding.

for the first time self awareness and analysis do not help me,

for the first time i am alone

in this feeling.

so alone that i can barely

write;

so alone

that i am afraid of losing this

before i can even understand it.

— what if the only way i know love is through confusion?

I had enough rage to sustain a fire.

(28/01/2018)

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i felt like a fire that could catch an entire city and still have enough of itself to go on burning.

so i sat myself down on the cold stairs and talked in all the voices of reason.

and still there was a fire,

so i sat it out.

i let the rage burn through my soul until there was nothing but the cold stairs;

i disappeared into what i felt.

i hope you never have the wisdom to do the same.

(20/11/2017)

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