blanket of sadness

i think the most frustrating thing about sadness is that it’s a blanket that

covers

and comforts

once you’ve been swaddled in it

for long enough

but it’s almost always

too small

a blanket

it still allows hope to filter through

the wide knit

sometimes your feet slip out from under

for sadness to cover you

you have to try to hunch your self over

combusting self-esteem

collapsing lungs

mind in fetus position

if one limb

or one feeling

stretches out

beyond the confines of the

warmth

of loneliness

the guise of comfort collapses

the struggle of inescapability

is not the state

but rather the impossibility of its existence

the embedded instinct-

tectonic plates shift

why wouldn’t your feelings

–

hearing the sound of a broken autumn leaf as your foot treads on

that is how satisfying it would be to crush that self-preserving instinct

all it takes is a deep breath before the slitting

i’ve been wanting to leave for so long

it matters very little why

and it matters a lot how

wildfire

in all these five minutes

I was a different person,

so unbearably passionate about taking away

all the gifts and privileges of my existence so I can

numb the pain of my mind

and soul

they say love can consume you

well so does sadness feast on your soul

like a wildfire gulping down tree trunks

and roaring so that the entire troop

can ravage the entire forest

desecrating the bedding of my mind

while people still wonder

how

and why

am i depressed

trapped on foreign lands

between me and the words

is a wedge

as wide and alienating

as valleys stretching

between mountains

but i have to keep walking

—

one day i hope i’ll wake up

and voluntarily choose to be sad

just so i can be sure

that the tides of sadness

don’t control me

as they do the moon

—

what does this illness

want from me

it’s dominated

body

soul

mind

why won’t it let me wallow

in nothingness

(because it pervades that, too)

—

why can no one hear me